O. M. G.!

I ran across a brief note about this little site (http://holistic.ie/wpg2-2?g2_itemId=1581) of someone who does original "family crests".  The fact that the URL is at "holistic.ie" should give you an inkling of the kind of "New Age" work the artist does.  But it was the blurb under the heading "Family Crests" (well, okay, along with the examples of his work) that really did it for me:

Through spontaneous revelation Ahonu paints your family crest without a history of distortion, struggle, sacrifice or battle. He tunes into the original soul essence of your family name BEFORE there was any damage or distortion. For those that have had the privilege of having their new Family Crest re-created by Ahonu, there have been immediate shifts in outer circumstances:- Prosperity increased, old rivalries and patterns cleared, and feelings of joy and personal power were immediate. Order yours ... now.

Umm, no.  Here, let me think about that some more.

Nope.  Still no.

But don't let my bad attitude stop you from dropping by his website and checking out his work.  Just be prepared -- it doesn't look like heraldry, with or without "distortion, struggle, sacrifice or battle."